Main Text: Rom. 12:17-18
Memory:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.(Rom.12:18)

When conflict is at the bedroom level, couples who are wise and who understand the implications of unresolved conflict will do everything within their power to positively manage and resolve the conflict before it grows deeper and more complicated. When conflicts are not resolved early, you will start remembering some of the bad things that your spouse has done to you in the past. When that comes in, you may start thinking that there will be a need for you to retaliate or you may just start hating your spouse for being such a wicked person.
Secondly, the longer the conflict is allowed, the more the chances for you to start having feelings of independence, which makes you to feel that you can do without your spouse. If you always wait for him to return from work before you eat together, you may decide to stop waiting for him before eating. When you depend on each other for some activities, they become a source of connection between the two of you.
Thirdly, the longer the conflict is allowed to stay, the greater the chance that you will tell the wrong person who may give you the inappropriate advice that will complicate matters further. The solution to a similar conflict in your friend’s home may not work in your own situation. You and your spouse are the only ones with the perfect knowledge of what is going on in your home.
Finally, the longer the conflict, the greater the tendency for each one of you to consciously or unconsciously create obstacles that will make it more difficult for simple resolution.
Conflicts therefore move from one level to the other when not properly managed and resolved early. The issue of management of marital conflicts is so important that there are so many homes that have ended up with divorce just because the husband or wife managed a simple matter wrongly and allowed it to blow out of proportion.

Any of the above is bad management! The way you handle your reactions when there is an issue with your spouse is important because it goes a long way to determine how long or how complicated the conflict will become.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* Is there any one of the above that may be identified with you?
* Sometimes we take our spouses for granted boasting that nothing can happen? Discuss how true it is that nothing can really happen.

PRAYER
My father and God, may I not be deceived into taking decisions that will harm my home in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
THE LONGER A CONFLICT STAYS WITHOUT RESOLUTION, THE GREATER ITS POTENTIAL TO DESTROY YOUR HOME. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Pride/ Inability To Apologize
In marital conflict, pride make matters to degenerate. The wife may insist that the husband must apologize to her. The husband on the other hand may feel that since the Bible says that he is the head of the home, the wife must bow in all situations. Though there are cases where the wife is the culprit in the issue of pride, men are more guilty of it.
One of the easiest things to do for someone whose home is dear to is tendering apology. In fact, you must be ready to apologize even when you are right. Pride and the inability to apologize will only make conflicts to degenerate in your home if you don’t overcome them. There are also many who will neither apologize nor accept apology from their spouse.

Involving Third Party
Matters are better settled between couples without the third party. However close the person you have reported is to you, he or she does not understand the issues in your home to the level which you and your spouse understand it.
Another reason why a third party may make matters to degenerate is that most people when advising others have a stereotyped model of how things should be which is based on their own personal experiences. We often forget that no two couples are the same. The circumstances surrounding your home are quite different from the couple next door.
The only exception is probably your experienced pastor who may use the word of God to guide you, an experienced Christian couple or marriage counsellor who because of experience and extensive learning in the area of marriage is able to guide you towards the solution which will still be within your scope as a couple. It should always only be the last resort.

Denial
One of the most common negative conflict management strategies is denial. This is a situation in which due to the conflict between you and your spouse, you deny him or her what should naturally be available. One of the most common areas of denial is sex. Women especially believe that one of the most potent instruments they have is sex denial. Men also may deny their spouse of finance when they are in conflict. Denial is a negative marital conflict management strategy because it may lead to other problems.

Other sources of conflict degeneration include:

Impatience.
Time heals most wound. There are a lot of conflicts that mellow down with passage of time.

Violence.
Violence in terms of hash words and physical abuse is also another negative conflict management strategy.

In conclusion, conflict has the tendency to degenerate if you use any of the above negative strategies above to manage your misunderstandings. Whenever you refuse the Holy Spirit to help you put your home above your own personal considerations, you are likely to make conflict to degenerate.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
*Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?

PRAYER
Lord I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
CONFLICT HAS THE TENDENCY TO DEGENERATE IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE DETERMINATION TO QUENCH THE FIRE IGNITED. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

As noted yesterday, marital conflicts can degenerate from bedroom level to public level when it will become apparent to most people that something has gone wrong. It may also grow from simple one to one that is so complex, depending on how the conflict is managed. Today, we shall continue with the negative management techniques that make marital conflicts to degenerate.

Uncontrolled anger.
One man caught his wife and a man in his home committing adultery but as he was in a state of confusion, the two of them escaped. In a rage of anger, he took a cutlass and murdered the two sons that the woman had in a previous marriage. On realizing what he had done, he took a container of petrol, wet and set himself ablaze and died in the process.
In another situation, a woman whose husband was about marrying another woman watched the husband enter his room from the bathroom, locked the door, poured fuel into and set the room ablaze. The husband did not survive it.
In the two situations above, despite the seriousness of the matter, uncontrolled anger only complicated matters. In the first instance, is it worth it to take lives because of any matter at all? He lost his life and his eternity. In the second case, the woman ended up behind the bars and will probably be sentenced to life imprisonment. Now, is it really worth it?
Someone defined anger as temporary madness and I agree completely with that definition. When you are angry and you act based on that anger, there may be no difference between what you will do and what a mad man will do. Imagine that you are taking your bath and a mad man took your clothes while washing your face. You opened your eyes only to see the mad man going away with your clothes, what will you do? An option will be for you to run after the mad man and recover your clothes but can you imagine what people will say if they see a naked man or woman running after a mad man. Definitely they won’t see any difference between the naked soapy person and the real mad man.
One thing that happens when you are angry is that you will be thinking that if you do not do something immediately, people will think you are a fool. Try to imagine what would have happened if in the two cases above they paused for some time and probably prayed before taking a decision.
Uncontrolled anger will never resolve a conflict but rather make it to grow worse.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: (‭Eph.4:26)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

QUOTABLE QUOTE
UNCONTROLLED ANGER CAN DESTROY IN FIVE MINUTES WHAT YOU USED FIVE DECADES TO BUILD. – Dr Mike Oluniyi p

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. (1Pet.3:8-9)

There are levels of conflict; some are still at the bedroom level but if they are not properly managed, it can move from bedroom to a bigger one and the effect can move from ordinary resentment to real crisis. Some of those factors that serve as catalysts for conflicts to degenerate are:

Selfishness.
For many of us in marriage, we don’t really put ourselves in the shoes of our spouse. When there is conflict and you selfishly hold on to your position, the conflict is likely to degenerate further. In a healthy relationship, neither of the spouse should selfishly hold on to a position. You must be humble enough to see things from each other’s point of view because it is only then that you can have proper perspective without trying to impose your own selfish position. Funny enough, there are a lot of times when you will discover later that your own point of view was really wrong!

Lack of communication.
When there is conflict between you and your spouse and you feel that the best thing you can do is to refrain from communicating with your spouse, you may be creating room for the conflict to degenerate. Instead of refraining from communication, make efforts to be in talking terms. Even when it is a matter that you may not be able to ask questions immediately, with the passage of time your spouse is likely to open up. When there is lack of communication, the two parties bottle it up and start reading meanings into what the other is doing. In such a situation, you are likely to misinterpret the intention of each other, thereby giving room for the conflict to degenerate further.

Retaliation.
A woman in her mid-forties discovered that her husband was having an affair with her childhood friend. The discovery was so painful to her that she decided that she would retaliate. Prior to that time, their landlord had been making passes at her and so she decided that if her husband was having affair with her friend she could also have with the landlord so that he would know how painful it is. At the end of the day, the husband discovered and that was how the marriage broke down completely. Eventually the man did not marry the other woman neither did the landlord marry the retaliating woman. The Bible says:
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (‭Rom.12‬:‭19‬)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

In marriage, you don’t revenge because what is at stake is beyond the two of you. If there is need for revenge, God can do it better than you. Revenge often leads to worsening of the conflict.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR CONFLICT TO DEGENERATE, IT IS LIKE ALLOWING A FIRE THAT CAN ENGULF YOUR HOME TO THRIVE WITHOUT CONTROLLING IT. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard,
even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;
As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion:
for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore. (Ps.133:1-3)

Conflict is inevitable in marriage because we came from different backgrounds and have different experiences. We also had different goals and aspirations in life before marriage. There is no couple that is immune from conflict. When you see poor couples quarreling, you may be tempted to feel that lack of money is the main case of marital conflicts until you see the supper rich couples fight over how to spend their money. If you also see couples fresh from honeymoon fighting, you may be tempted to conclude that marital conflicts mainly occur among young couples but I am sure you would have also seen couples who separate in their old age. Marital conflict is therefore no respecter of the status, age, or life circumstances.

Management of conflict between husband and wife refers to how you handle your reactions to your spouse during conflict. The major determinant of how far or how complex a conflict becomes is often all about how you manage such conflicts. How you manage a conflict goes a long way to determine whether the conflict will be resolved early or grow to become something really unmanageable.

As from tomorrow, we shall be looking more deeply at levels of marital conflict, marital conflict management, effects of marital conflict and various acts and lifestyles that usually generate conflict at home.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* Looking back at your years in marriage, what have been the most common sources of conflict?
* What are some of the lessons you have learnt about the past conflicts in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, teach me the wisdom that will make me to dwell together in unity with my spouse in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE; IT IS NOT TO SEPARATE US BUT TO MATURE US. – Dr Mike Oluniyi