The Genuine Love Mindset: Positive Parenting Mindsets 6

This mindset requires you to love your children; that appears to be quite obvious but the love must be genuine love. A lot of ways in which we try to demonstrate love to our children aren’t really love. For instance, many of us whose some of our children occupies a special position in our family tend to overindulge such children to demonstrate our love to them, without knowing that we are actually destroying their future. Such special positions include first or only son, only female, child that came late or a special period of our lives.

• Love but it should not prevent you from taking hard decisions.
Genuine love mindset makes you to combine favorable affectionate disposition with firmness in parenting. Such a mindset makes it possible for you to take hard decisions despite the fact that you love your children. A major tragedy in parenting today is that many parents destroy the future of their children in the process of ‘showing love’ to them because the love prevented them from taking hard decisions when they should have taken it.
Hard decisions are good decisions that are not popular due to the sacrifice involved but you are ready to take it even if other members of the family don’t understand now. Sometimes, even your spouse may not really understand initially why you are taking such hard decisions but you know it is in the best interest of the family. For instance, as a comfortable parent who has several cars and can even afford to buy another new one, you must take the hard decision of not giving your underaged child the possession of a car even if he has learnt how to drive. You really don’t love him genuinely if you release a car to him because you may inadvertently be handing over to him something that may lead to his sudden death or make him to become maimed for life. However rich you are, you also have to make the decision of limiting the amount of money you release to your child because you may be destroying his life.

Traveling out of the country is always an attractive option for the Youth and even their parents. Most parents will do anything to encourage their children to travel, including spending huge sums of money. This is so because people that travel out appear more comfortable than those at home. Many parents will also do anything to be able to get to a position where they can tell their friends that they are traveling abroad to visit their children. As a parent however, you may need to take the hard decision of preventing your child from traveling when opportunity presents itself but he or she has not got the necessary educational qualifications or he is too young to live an independent life because it may be tantamount to throwing that child away.

• As much as you love your child, don’t spare him the rod of correction.

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Another area in which you have to demonstrate the mindset of genuine love is in the area of discipline. Many parents, especially for those children that occupy special position in their lives find it difficult to discipline or correct them when thy err. In such situation, you don’t really love the child because at the end of the day, a child that can not be corrected will grow up into adulthood, believing that he must have his way all the time. Such a wife will find it difficult being subject to a man. Such husband too will also find it difficult to keep a home because there is a limit to how a wife to cope with a husband who forever believes that the opinion of others don’t matter. Such home becomes a difficult marriage.
If you don’t discipline a child because you don’t want him to cry, you will cry with him later when the effect of your laxity is reflected.

• As much as you love your child, let him value labour.
Many parents, especially the affluent ones protect their children from labour forgetting that even the scriptures establish it that man must labour. In the scriptures we are made to understand that God whom we are made in His image works!

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.(Gen.2:2)

If God works, how will you think that you are helping the life of your child by not making him to work?

Also in the book of Proverbs 22:29;

Seest thou a man diligent in his business?
he shall stand before kings;
he shall not stand before mean men.

Right from the time that your child is young, give him work to do at home and make him to value it. When you make a child to grow up totally dependent on the maid who cooks, washes and carry out every instructions from him, you are raising up an adult who may become a problem for everyone in relationship with him in the future. Though it is believed that cooking is in the preserve of women, you must still teach your boys to cook because such skills will be needed in the future in situations when his wife may not be in position to cook for him for a season maybe because she travelled or is ill. Your girl should likewise be taught how to iron clothes, even that of men because she will definitely need the skill somewhere along later on in life. Let them actually enjoy any labour that they may have to do.

Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone’s bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate. For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. (2Thess.3:6-12)

• As much as you love your child, let him learn.
Often, parents apparently out of love for their children indulge them so much that it affects their learning opportunities. Don’t be such a parent, ensure that you don’t indulge him to the extent of missing school or Sunday school at will. Present opportunities that will make him to learn new skills because every knowledge will be useful in life at one point or the other.

• As much as you love your child, don’t allow him to take advantage of others.
Teach your children to avoid taking advantage of others. The vulnerability of others should not be exploited for a selfish advantage by your child.

• As much as you love your child, let him experience inconveniences.
Don’t allow your child to always have his way as it may make him to become a problem for people that he will be relating with in the future. He should know that Yes is not always the answer to every request. He must learn that “No” as well as “Wait” are also answers that should be acceptable to him as he relates with people.

• As much as you love your child, let him grow up
There are men and women that though they are physically matured, they are unfortunately emotionally children. It is a problem that comes up when you love a child so much that you don’t allow him to experience the process of growth which involves taking decisions and going through the consequences of those decisions whether good or bad. There are adults who are physically matured but not emotionally so, as evidenced by their unwillingness to take responsibilities and the inability to maintain poise under serious situations. It is a faulty mindset, if you believe that every mess created by your child should be taken care of by someone else, just because you can afford to do so. Such children may grow up to be adults who will not be able to stand on their own without being supported. Dr. Mike Oluniyi

The Sowing Mindset; Positive Parenting Mindsets 5

‘Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
Go (Gal.6:7-9)

The sowing mindset in parenting makes you to teach your children the necessity of sowing into the life of others. Really as a farmer, you cannot expect to reap if you have not sown. One great tragedy in the world today is that many individuals are striving to reap when they have not sown and it is leading to so many vices that the human society is battling with. Some of such vices are laziness, stealing and all forms of corruption. These vices are prevalent because we have many who does not seem to know that there is no free meal anywhere: whenever it appears as if you are getting something free, there is someone somewhere who had earlier sowed. There are three vital areas of sowing which your child must learn.
• You must sow spiritually to God and in the life of others. Sowing spiritually unto God means spending time to fellowship with God towards the development of an intimate relationship. Sowing spiritually into the lives of others means that the spiritual welfare of others is important to you. Teach your children to remember others in their own prayers as it is a way of sowing into the lives of others.
• You must sow materially to God and into the life of others. Sowing materially unto God is all about being ready to commit your resources to the advancement of the gospel. The starting point of being ready to sow materially into kingdom matters is the faithful payment of your tithe, your bountiful offerings and commitment to kingdom projects.

But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.

There is also the need to sow materially into the life of others especially widows, orphans and generally the needy around us.

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

For instance, if you have a maid who will serve you for a fairly long time, you may sow into her life by enrolling her in a school or making her to learn a trade which will make her to be useful for herself in the future. What you have sowed into such life will attract rich harvest later probably not from only just from that maid but in other people helping your own children somewhere along the journey of their lives when such help will be needed.

• You must sow time in service to God and others. How much of your time can you spend for God and for others. The mindset of reaping from sowing will make you to let your children know that their time is not only for them. They must be taught that they should invest a considerable percentage of their time in service to God and others. Many Christians will come to church only on Sundays, and even then never punctually. Apart from that, they are not ready to sacrifice their time for Bible study, prayers, evangelism and other church assignments. They are also not available for visitation. Even if the nature of your work will not allow you to take part in assignments during the week, what of when you are on leave?

• You must sow your talent to God and others.

You must let them know through your own demonstration that they need to often sow their talent by using it without expecting to be remunerated. Any talent which you use freely for the expansion of God’s kingdom is bound to become more impactful.


• Sowing is not usually easy.
Everyone wants to reap but only few are ready to sow because it is not easy to part with your hard earned money, sacrifice your time or make use of your talent freely. However this mindset makes you to teach your children that every farmer goes through some hard work in the process of sowing. A farmer who refuses to sow when others are sowing will have himself to blame because there will be nothing for such a farmer to reap.

• Often, people you sow into their lives may not be the ones to pay back.
It is important to let your children know that they should not expect those they sow into their lives to pay back. Often, people you sow into their lives will be ungrateful to you later, but that should not prevent you from sowing into other people’s lives. Many of the people you sow into their lives will definitely be grateful and will want to pay back in the future but you should not be disappointed if you discover that some of them will actually become antagonistic
towards you. This reality must not prevent you from sowing into the lives of others.

• You will harvest in the order of the seed you sow.
Let your children know that whatsoever you sow is what you will reap. If while you were young, you get yourself involved in activities that make others to cry, your days of crying are definitely coming.

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.(Gal.6:7-9)

This is a spiritual law that is constant. Of recent, I started noticing something; everyone of those I knew to belong to a cult or other violent groups while they were younger, something went wrong with their lives by the time they grew up; one of them was gunned down during his wedding ceremony, several others never had unsettled homes, many never seem to be able to hold on to a job, several died suddenly at the hand of rival could groups etc. Somehow, they reaped what they had earlier sown in life. The law of sowing and reaping is a reality of life which you will be doing your children a lot of good by pointing them to.

• Reaping is often intangible.
Let them know that what one fact that makes many people not to sow is that reaping is often intangible. When you are sowing, you feel it but you don’t really know immediately when you start reaping. It is often later that you will realize or it may even be another person who has insight that will point your attention to the fact that the favour you are experiencing is the harvest of what you had earlier sown into the lives of others. In other words, the nature of reaping may not necessarily be physical, it may not something to be held physically but it is real.

• Often, sowing appears stupid due to easier alternatives.
I remember the time I was about to go to the university, I was already a draughtsman making some money from drawing building plans. My colleagues then were wondering why I would go and spend several years in the university when I could easily be making more money by continuing with my trade. To them, it was a foolish decision but I stuck to my guns and to the glory of God, I later overtook all of them later on in life. You must let your children know that the time of sowing is often time that others will see as being foolishly spent but if you are persistent, the time of reaping will come and those who felt that you were wasting time will see the testimony of reaping in your life.
If you are paying tithe unto God, there are very likely other people who are believers that will make you to feel stupid doing it.

• You will actually lose something by sowing, but the harvest will be greater.
Just as the crops harvested can not be compared with the seed sown, what you harvest through sowing cannot be compared with what you have lost while sowing.

• Reaping what you sow actually transcends your own generation.
In a way that no one actually understand how it happens, I’ve discovered that whatever you sow may be reaped not by you only but by your children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren.

…for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;(Ex.20:5)

When you remember that the fruit of what you are sowing today will be reaped beyond your generation, you are very likely to sow seeds that it’s fruit will benefit your children and also admonish your children to do likewise.

• There is appointed time for sowing and reaping.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;…

Every farmer knows that there is a right time to sow, if you fail to sow at that time, you will suffer lack in the future. If you don’t sow at appointed time, there will be a similarity between you and the one who did not sow at all. You must teach your children that they must invest their time, talent and treasure at the right time. If you finish your secondary education with good grades but get attracted to a job that appears to be paying well instead of pursuing your higher education; or get married prematurely because you were lured into it, a time will come in the future when you will realize that the best time to pursue higher education is when you are young. By the time it dawns on you that there is a place for education which money cannot fill, it may be too late to acquire education at that time.
Another way of looking at it is that your children must be made to realize that there is season of reaping in the life of everyone. If for instance you are working with someone who is at the reaping phase of his life, don’t be envious of that person. If you are envious, it may discourage you from sowing towards your own future harvest. When you are serving a master that is prosperous, don’t out of envy refuse to continue serving, your service to such man who is in his season of reaping is just your own sowing, not just towards the reaping of that man but into your own future season of reaping.

Dr. Mike Oluniyi.

The Accessibility Mindset: Positive Parenting Mindsets 4

Accessibility mindset makes you to be available for your children. Your children will need to be free to communicate with you, they will need your counsel and your perspective about vital issues in life. When you don’t put this mindset into practice in parenting there are agents of destruction outside that will take your place and very likely ruin the future of your child. I will illustrate this mindset with two examples, the first one was culled from my WhattsApp chat history while the second one was a personal experience with one of my sons.

The Sexual Fast!

Daughter: (Coughs out) Hmmm…

Mum: (looks up at her, then continues picking her beans) Any gist for momma?

Daughter:( Looks at her) Mum, I think I am not normal anymore…like, I am sick

Mum: (Chuckles) Sick?? Why?

Daughter: Because I am over-sensitive. Whenever I see a guy, I have this weird feeling compared to when I meet a girl. Mum, I get worried often times if I would scale through adolescence without defiling myself

Mum: (Laughs) you are afraid?

Daughter: It seems you don’t understand mum. When I see a guy’s bicep, oh my God! If he mistakenly exposes his abs, then I would almost faint, feeling as if I should run into his strong, muscular arms and be cuddled.

Mum: And so? That’s why you are not normal?

Daughter: (Eyes widen) Mum!

Mum: That shows that you are very normal my baby girl

Daughter: I don’t understand mum

Mum: You fasted recently right?

Daughter: Yes mum. A three-day dry fast

Mum: There was an occasion that I made plantain and fried egg for dinner for the family. How did you feel that day?

Daughter: Mum, it was sensational! As if I had never tasted plantain . I wanted a bite so bad.

Mum: So, why didn’t you get into the kitchen to get yourself some?

Daughter: Mum, I was fasting

Mum: Nice one! Son, can you hear us from there? Put off the TV please.

Son: Ok mum.

Mum: As an adolescent boy or girl, don’t think it weird when you are attracted to the opposite sex. His or her stature or the like might appeal to you but it shows that you are normal. You wouldn’t say, you are abnormal because you can perceive the aroma of fried plantain while you were fasting. Would you?

Both: No mum

Mum: All unmarried people in this world are on a sexual fast until they get married. Different food like juices, fried fish, chicken; Shawarma and the likes would appeal to them clothed in handsome men and beautiful women of different shapes and sizes but you’ve got to block your perception! You are fasting!

Daughter: (nods repeatedly) Hmmm…I am getting it now

Mum: The aroma could be pornography, sexy boys and girls, devilish games and all but be warned, you are what?

Both: Fasting!

Mum: So my daughter, you are normal. It means all the parts of your body are responding well but the Bible says you should keep your body under control.

Daughter: Mum, I can’t thank you enough. I expected you to scream at me , frown your face but You are trustworthy and I can count on you. And that is why mum is our… (Signals to the boy)

Son: Confidant! (Both laugh)

Mum: (Smiles) Blessed children…very very blessed!

Both: most blessed mother

Mum: But never forget the lesson learnt today…(expects an answer)

Both: We are fasting!

Mum: Yes. The fast would soon be over and your dish of dodo, freshly prepared with well garnished fried egg with a chill bottle of wine would be delivered to you but first, wait! Say, I will wait

Both: I will wait!

Mum: And the Lord will bless you.

Both: Amen (They hug their mother and she blesses them both)

As a parent, imagine what would have happened if the parent above had not been the listening type. Let us look at lessons which we may learn from above.
Lesson One.
In the first place, the girl would not have raised the issue with her mum. Are you a parent from whom her teenage boy or girl can ask personal questions like the above?
Lesson Two.
Look at the innovative way she gave her teenage girl and boy a profound lesson on sexual abstinence. Notice that it was neither a formal or prepared teaching but imagine the effect it would have on those two young minds.
Lesson Three.
If she had not taken time and just shouted down the girl, the girl would have kept quiet for the moment but because she had not got the answer to her inquiry, she would have asked from another source. Imagine that she asked from a friend of hers who is already into fornication! The likely answer she would have received was that her feelings is a sign that she is ripe enough to have boyfriends, and I can assure you that the girl would have taken that advice.
Many of our young ones have been lured into immorality through the inability of parents to spend time with them.

Dad Be Praying For Me!
A few days after one of our sons was registered into a university for his undergraduate studies, I received a text message from him; “Dad, be praying for me cult guys are after me” The simple message caught my attention immediately and I called the attention of my wife to it too. The question we asked ourselves was how cultists could find room to establish themselves in a private university. We prayed about it and called the boy back that he should be careful not to go out with anyone and should not be left alone with anyone. He should ensure that he carries his bible about , make it visible and identify with a fellowship and known Christians on campus. We also wrote to the authorities of the university about cult activities in the school. However, we finally decided after a few days that the best we could do was to withdraw the boy from the university and enrol him into a mission based university from where he graduated.
Can you imagine what would have happened, if he had not trusted his dad enough to let him know the pressure under which he was?
The most likely thing would have been that after much pressure, he would have responded to them and who knows what the end of the story would have been? That is how many pastors children become cultists and join other dangerous gangs since we are too busy attending to other families but have little or no time for our own children. Does your teenage son or daughter trust you enough to call you and express concern to you will do something about it?

The following are some of the reasons why they don’t trust us enough to share with us their thoughts;
i. They feel we are too busy to listen to them.
Many of us are really “too busy” to be with our children. We are too busy with our jobs and with other activities to the detriment of our own family.

ii. They feel we don’t think their questions are important.
There are information that are vital to them at their various stages of development that we may not feel that are important. In the first story above, some parents might have wondered why the girl asked such foolish question or wondered whether she should not have even been ashamed for asking such question.

iii. They feel we believe that they should know.
We often assume that our children should know certain things. Indeed they have access to information which we did not have when we were growing up. Despite that however, the lessons they learnt from us have a special way of clinging to them because it has authenticity to them.

iv. They feel we believe that they should have been taught by others.
Parents often believe that most things should be taught by the teachers at school and probably the Sunday school teachers. Yes, there are a lot that they will learn from their teachers formally in a classroom setting but as parents there are so many touches that the home will have to make in the life of a child that no agent of education can make.

v. They feel we believe that they are too young to ask those questions.
Depending on their ages, there are certain questions that children may be too young to ask. However even if they ask such questions, we should find a way of bringing it to their level, letting them know the ones they should know now and postponing the one ps that are too advanced for them.
vi. They feel we believe that they should be able to take care of themselves.
Some parents, if they receive the message that my son sent in the second example above may have the feeling that he should be able to take care of himself. We really should train our children to be independent but there may be some issues that may be beyond them or which the implications of failure to handle it right may have untold consequences on their lives and even that of the rest of the family in the future. In such matters, it may not be wise to leave them alone with it.

vii. They are often afraid of us.
Many parents handle their families in such a way that make their children to actually be afraid of asking questions or seeking counsel. Being too much afraid of us makes our children to seek for help from where they should not seek it, with dangerous consequences for the future.

The Model Mindset: Positive Parenting Mindsets (3)

Dr. Mike Oluniyi.

Will you sincerely be able to tell your child to ‘do as I do?’ The mindset of modeling is so important in parenting because most of the things your children will learn from you are not really going to be formally taught like in a school setting. They are going to be taught through informal means, most of which will be non verbal. In other words, most of the virtues that they will learn from you will be through their observation of your ways of life. That means the way you do things as a parent matters. Whether you like it or not, you are like a model for your children. If you have this mindset, you will pay attention to the following as the areas where you may model the right attitudes for your children:

Your Relationship With God.
It is possible for you to deceive outsiders about your relationship with God but you may not really be able to hide the real you from members of your family. Your children will definitely discover how sincere you are in your relationship with God. There is the story of a small boy whom his Sunday school teacher had just finished teaching about tolerance. The teacher explained that Jesus expects us to be able to tolerate the weaknesses of one another. The teacher said further that every true child of God must be tolerant of others because none of us is perfect. The boy raised up his hand and told the teacher that that is possible only in the church but the teacher insisted that it should be practiced everywhere. The boy who is the pastors son reflected after some time and declared that from the look of things, “all of us are actors” the teacher asked for the reason why he said that and he explained that his daddy and mummy always act nice as a loving and peaceful couple in the church, but as soon as they enter the car to go home, trouble starts. According to him, daddy is always shouting at mummy, that’s why he feels that everyone is just an actor that acts nice in the church and shows their true nature at home. The Sunday school teacher could not say anything other than the closing prayer!
You must be able to model the true life of a believer at home, if not, you are just a hypocrite and you can be sure that your children will rebel against your God in the future.

Your Marriage.
You can successfully model a lot of appropriate godly virtues to your children through the way you relate with your spouse. There is no better way of demonstrating love and acceptance than the way you relate with your spouse. Respect for spouse and others is also a virtue that you can teach your children through the way you relate with your spouse. Your relationship with your wife serves as the laboratory where to demonstrate the practice of so many of the godly values that you may wish to teach your children. Forgiveness is a virtue that virtually everyone preaches but it is so difficult to really practice it by many believers. Your home is the place where it is better taught to your children in the way you treat offenses between you and your spouse.

Your Attitude To Money.
You may successfully model your belief about money to your children through the way you handle money and conduct your financial engagements generally. If you are ready to tell lies, cheat and commit fraud in the course of looking for money, you are only modeling to your children that there is nothing wrong with doing anything to make money. Don’t be surprised that one of them may graduate to actual robbery or be ready to even use human being for rituals or make money.
You must also not because of the search for greener pastures separate from your family for a considerable length of time so that you don’t send the wrong signal to your children that money is more important than the family. Many separate themselves for almost indefinite period of time in search of money that by the time they got money, they had lost their family. Many even eventually lost their family and also did not really make money.
If you are also someone that is careless with money without any considerable serious commitment to investments or savings culture, don’t be surprised if one of your children turn out to be a waster of resources.

Your Relationships.
The value you place on people will be revealed through the way you relate with them in relationships. Do you just make use of people, only to discard them later? If you are are such a person, you are modeling lack of appreciation of the helpers of their lives. You may discover that one or more of them may actually go beyond your own level by discarding even their spouses.

Your Handling Of Disappointments And Success.
Your life may be used to model to your children that it is only God that will never disappoint them. As for human beings, they should not be surprised if someone they trusted so much ended up disappointing them. Make them to realize that it is in the nature of human beings to disappoint. If they have that mindset, they will not be too hurt when disappointment comes. Model to them too, that their joy should not be dependent on what another human being does. If they do, they will be grossly disappointed and hurt.

…“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
And makes flesh his strength,…(Jer.17:5)

Teach them through your own life too, how to handle success. Let them know through your life that it is by the mercy of God that success ultimately comes;

…“I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.” So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy.

Your Attitude To Work.
Model your aversion to laziness through the conduct of your life. This is one of the virtues that is difficult to teach your children theoretically. How do you handle your business and that of others?

Go to the ant, you sluggard!
Consider her ways and be wise,
Which, having no captain,
Overseer or ruler,
Provides her supplies in the summer,
And gathers her food in the harvest.
How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
When will you rise from your sleep?
A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep
So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man.

Let them know that even walking with God requires some hard work. For instance, you need to sacrifice considerable time that you would have been sleeping, in order to have your quiet time. Let them know that excellence in educational pursuits is also not complementary to laziness.

Attitude To Time.
If you have the model mindset, you will also note that your attitude to time also matters. The scriptures make us to realize that there is time and purpose for everything under the sun. (Eccl.3:1) It is not something that you just teach verbally but they should learn it through the way you handle your time. Do you identify the most important things and give them priority or you just do things as they come? Let them know through the way you handle time that it is the most invaluable commodity in life. Time wasted is gone forever, never to be regained. Let them know that if they while away their youthful days, there will be a time that they will look back with regrets. However, it is better taught with your own life as a model to them.

Your attitude To Integrity.
One of the best ways to teach integrity is to use your life to teach it. For instance most people only tell their children where they got it right in life, you hardly tell others where you failed. Virtually all parents will tell their children that they were on top of the class when they were in primary school, even those who were at the bottom! To teach integrity, you need to model it by telling your children where you missed it. For instance, if as a woman you did not get your degree because you were too much in a hurry to get married, you may use it to counsel your children that they should be patient to finish their education before going into marriage because it may not be as easy to do it once married. You don’t need to create a Superman image about yourself when you are not. Your children will appreciate you more as a person of integrity than someone trying to impress.
You must also pay attention to little things such as telling lies in the presence of your children.

Your attitude about heaven.
The importance of heaven in the journey of the believer is also better modeled by you in your day to day activities. Talk about it, demonstrate your hope for it as well as avoid those things that may make you not to make it. It will be more real when demonstrated at home that anywhere else.

The Honour Mindset: Positive Parenting Mindsets 2

Dr. Mike Oluniyi.

‘Honour thy father and thy mother, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee’. (Deut.5:16)

Despite just being the caretaker, your role is an important one, having being assigned by God. Because your role is significant to God, He desires that you must be honored by your children. This is so important to God that He made it one of the Ten Commandments and the only one to which a promise is attached.
The Honour mindset is therefore the mindset that makes you to train your children to attract the blessings of God by honoring their parents both biological and spiritual. If you possess this mindset, you will do the following:

Demonstrate this mindset by honoring your own parents.
If you want your children to honour you, they may need to see it in the way you honour your own parents. When you speak to your parents, do you accord them respect? If you do so, your children are watching you. When your parents advice you, how do you take it? Sometimes, the advice they give may be at variance with current realities, but the way you discard the idea matters. Don’t forget that a time will come too that you will give outdated advice to your children in the future, will you be happy if they discard the idea as if you are a fool? One thing I have noticed in old people is that they appreciate those who can sit down with them and listen to old stories; stories of occurrences that took place long time ago, with little or no relevance to your current life realities. On the other hand, you have more relevant and important things to do now. It won’t harm anything for you to deliberately spend some time with them once in a while to make them happy as they relive those memories. As you are doing it to make them happy, you are passing a message across to your own children.
One important fact to note is that the parents of your spouse are also your parents, honour them. When I was in the university, there were some girls who were my course mates then who always said then that they would not marry any man whose mum was still alive. I doubt whether God would answer such prayers but I can imagine the way such ladies would treat their mothers in law! There are also men who would insist that their parents in law could not visit their family and stay overnight. All such unfair way of treating your parents are bound to be replicated by your children. When you are doing it, you are just like telling them that that is the way they should treat you in the future.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
You need to remember that in the way you treat your parents, you are just sowing for you to reap in the future from the way your children are going to treat you. Being conscious of this reality of life will make you to treat your children right so that your own children will learn from first hand experience that parents are to be honoured.

Let your children value your role and sacrifices in their lives.
You must learn to communicate with your children. They must know the reason why certain decisions are taken concerning them so that they will appreciate your role in their lives. Let them have a feeling of some of the sacrifices you made concerning them.
There are some specific sacrifices you made in the past which unless you tell them, they will not know and appreciate.
I read a story somewhere of a man that would not allow his mother to visit him because of the ugly look of his mother which was caused by a fire incident that affected her face so badly, earlier in life. It was after his mother died that he learnt that the fire incident that disfigured her mother occurred when she was trying to save him as a baby from being burnt in a room where he was trapped. The fire did not affect him but almost snuffed life out of his mother in the process of saving him. Today, he is full of regrets that had he known that his mother did so much for him, the story of their relationship would have been different.

Don’t diminish the value of the efforts of your spouse over the children.
Comparatively, you may have the privilege of contributing more than your spouse into the life of the children materially or otherwise. However, you must not consequently make the children to look down on the meager efforts of your spouse. As much as possible, speak well about your spouse before the children. As much as you may humble yourself by making your children to value your spouse, the children will still discover the enormity of your contributions, and it will make them to honour you the more. When you are running down your spouse for the children to value you more, it often backfires and reduces your own value.

You should make him believe that his parents are to be obeyed because they normally will not lead him astray.
You must earn the trust of your children enough for them to believe that you can not lead them astray. You may earn their trust by upholding your integrity. When you say something, mean it. Once your children discovers that you are truthful and fair, they will be ready to trust you enough to be led by you without looking back. They will obey you because they have discovered over the years that you may be trusted.

He must learn to accept the discipline of his parents.
Your children must learn to see your discipline as an act of love. You may achieve this by communicating with them. Don’t assume that they know. Often, lack of understanding lead to rebellion among especially teenagers. You must teach them that discipline is an act of love, they must not interpret it as sign of cruelty or hatred.

For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”

Let them also know that any kind of discipline which you make them to go through is for their own good.

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. .(Heb.12:11)

Unity Of Purpose Between You And Your Spouse.
One of the ways through which you can demonstrate the honour mindset is by being united in purpose with your spouse. If there is an issue of discipline at home and you take different stands and are openly antagonistic to one another, you will be sending the wrong message that will diminish your value in the reckoning of your children.


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