Marital Conflicts Can Degenerate (1): Couples Companion Day 31
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. (1Pet.3:8-9)
There are levels of conflict; some are still at the bedroom level but if they are not properly managed, it can move from bedroom to a bigger one and the effect can move from ordinary resentment to real crisis. Some of those factors that serve as catalysts for conflicts to degenerate are:
Selfishness.
For many of us in marriage, we don’t really put ourselves in the shoes of our spouse. When there is conflict and you selfishly hold on to your position, the conflict is likely to degenerate further. In a healthy relationship, neither of the spouse should selfishly hold on to a position. You must be humble enough to see things from each other’s point of view because it is only then that you can have proper perspective without trying to impose your own selfish position. Funny enough, there are a lot of times when you will discover later that your own point of view was really wrong!
Lack of communication.
When there is conflict between you and your spouse and you feel that the best thing you can do is to refrain from communicating with your spouse, you may be creating room for the conflict to degenerate. Instead of refraining from communication, make efforts to be in talking terms. Even when it is a matter that you may not be able to ask questions immediately, with the passage of time your spouse is likely to open up. When there is lack of communication, the two parties bottle it up and start reading meanings into what the other is doing. In such a situation, you are likely to misinterpret the intention of each other, thereby giving room for the conflict to degenerate further.
Retaliation.
A woman in her mid-forties discovered that her husband was having an affair with her childhood friend. The discovery was so painful to her that she decided that she would retaliate. Prior to that time, their landlord had been making passes at her and so she decided that if her husband was having affair with her friend she could also have with the landlord so that he would know how painful it is. At the end of the day, the husband discovered and that was how the marriage broke down completely. Eventually the man did not marry the other woman neither did the landlord marry the retaliating woman. The Bible says:
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (Rom.12:19)
In marriage, you don’t revenge because what is at stake is beyond the two of you. If there is need for revenge, God can do it better than you. Revenge often leads to worsening of the conflict.
Discussion Points With Your Spouse
Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?
PRAYER
Lord, I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.
QUOTABLE QUOTE
WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR CONFLICT TO DEGENERATE, IT IS LIKE ALLOWING A FIRE THAT CAN ENGULF YOUR HOME TO THRIVE WITHOUT CONTROLLING IT. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi
