Main Text: Rom.12:18-19
Memory:
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.(Rom.12:18)

When there is a conflict and it is not properly managed, it grows deeper and deeper until it eventually becomes unmanageable. The effects are numerous but the problem with most couples in conflict is that they don’t really take time to consider its potential effect on their lives, members of their family and the society at large. The more the conflict deteriorates, the more damaging the effects are, not only on the couple but on others especially their children. Some of the effects are:
Loss of peace
Wasted resources
Loneliness
Unfulfilled life
Negative effect on children
Spiritual paralysis
Mental and physical torture which may lead to high blood pressure and untimely death
Divorce
Extramarital affairs

In other word, the effects of unresolved conflict are devastating on the physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing of the husband and the wife. It may eventually lead to separation or divorce.
Perhaps the most important thing to know about the effect of marital conflict is that its effect is beyond the parties involved. It affects the children, the church and the society at large. For instance, a woman who is not at peace with her husband will very likely visit her frustration on whoever comes her way.

Another thing to note is that the more you allow the conflict to linger, the more damaging the effects may be on the home and those that are connected to the family.

Also, when there is conflict at home, your ability to make decisions that are based on the considered opinion and agreement between the two of you is seriously hampered. Your business decisions and other decisions will be of higher quality if you and your spouse are in agreement, taking joint decisions. Hear this scripture:

…One shall chase a thousand but two shall put ten thousand to flight…(Deut.32:30)

Consequently, when you are in conflict with your spouse, you are denying yourself of that power of agreement that God has put between husband and wife. You will be chasing a thousand instead of putting ten thousand to flight.

Finally, when there is conflict with your spouse, you run the risk of unanswered prayers. There is awesome spiritual power and potency in marital unity.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. (1Pet.3:7)

As a conclusion, let it be known that the effect of conflicts can be devastating on you, your spouse, children, society and your relationship with God. For this reason, though conflicts are inevitable in marital relationships, you must do everything possible to nip it in the bud before it grows and becomes something that will destroy vital relationships in your life.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* As you reflect, what are the factors that has helped you in managing conflicts in your home.
* What are some of the effects you notice whenever there is conflict between you and your spouse?

PRAYER
Father I receive the grace to overcome every obstacle to peace in my home in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
CONFLICT DEGENERATES BECAUSE MOST COUPLES DON’T KNOW THE POTENTIAL DAMAGING EFFECTS IT MAY HAVE ON THEIR HOME. Dr. Mike Oluniyi.

Main Text: Rom. 12:17-18
Memory:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.(Rom.12:18)

When conflict is at the bedroom level, couples who are wise and who understand the implications of unresolved conflict will do everything within their power to positively manage and resolve the conflict before it grows deeper and more complicated. When conflicts are not resolved early, you will start remembering some of the bad things that your spouse has done to you in the past. When that comes in, you may start thinking that there will be a need for you to retaliate or you may just start hating your spouse for being such a wicked person.
Secondly, the longer the conflict is allowed, the more the chances for you to start having feelings of independence, which makes you to feel that you can do without your spouse. If you always wait for him to return from work before you eat together, you may decide to stop waiting for him before eating. When you depend on each other for some activities, they become a source of connection between the two of you.
Thirdly, the longer the conflict is allowed to stay, the greater the chance that you will tell the wrong person who may give you the inappropriate advice that will complicate matters further. The solution to a similar conflict in your friend’s home may not work in your own situation. You and your spouse are the only ones with the perfect knowledge of what is going on in your home.
Finally, the longer the conflict, the greater the tendency for each one of you to consciously or unconsciously create obstacles that will make it more difficult for simple resolution.
Conflicts therefore move from one level to the other when not properly managed and resolved early. The issue of management of marital conflicts is so important that there are so many homes that have ended up with divorce just because the husband or wife managed a simple matter wrongly and allowed it to blow out of proportion.

Any of the above is bad management! The way you handle your reactions when there is an issue with your spouse is important because it goes a long way to determine how long or how complicated the conflict will become.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* Is there any one of the above that may be identified with you?
* Sometimes we take our spouses for granted boasting that nothing can happen? Discuss how true it is that nothing can really happen.

PRAYER
My father and God, may I not be deceived into taking decisions that will harm my home in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
THE LONGER A CONFLICT STAYS WITHOUT RESOLUTION, THE GREATER ITS POTENTIAL TO DESTROY YOUR HOME. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Pride/ Inability To Apologize
In marital conflict, pride make matters to degenerate. The wife may insist that the husband must apologize to her. The husband on the other hand may feel that since the Bible says that he is the head of the home, the wife must bow in all situations. Though there are cases where the wife is the culprit in the issue of pride, men are more guilty of it.
One of the easiest things to do for someone whose home is dear to is tendering apology. In fact, you must be ready to apologize even when you are right. Pride and the inability to apologize will only make conflicts to degenerate in your home if you don’t overcome them. There are also many who will neither apologize nor accept apology from their spouse.

Involving Third Party
Matters are better settled between couples without the third party. However close the person you have reported is to you, he or she does not understand the issues in your home to the level which you and your spouse understand it.
Another reason why a third party may make matters to degenerate is that most people when advising others have a stereotyped model of how things should be which is based on their own personal experiences. We often forget that no two couples are the same. The circumstances surrounding your home are quite different from the couple next door.
The only exception is probably your experienced pastor who may use the word of God to guide you, an experienced Christian couple or marriage counsellor who because of experience and extensive learning in the area of marriage is able to guide you towards the solution which will still be within your scope as a couple. It should always only be the last resort.

Denial
One of the most common negative conflict management strategies is denial. This is a situation in which due to the conflict between you and your spouse, you deny him or her what should naturally be available. One of the most common areas of denial is sex. Women especially believe that one of the most potent instruments they have is sex denial. Men also may deny their spouse of finance when they are in conflict. Denial is a negative marital conflict management strategy because it may lead to other problems.

Other sources of conflict degeneration include:

Impatience.
Time heals most wound. There are a lot of conflicts that mellow down with passage of time.

Violence.
Violence in terms of hash words and physical abuse is also another negative conflict management strategy.

In conclusion, conflict has the tendency to degenerate if you use any of the above negative strategies above to manage your misunderstandings. Whenever you refuse the Holy Spirit to help you put your home above your own personal considerations, you are likely to make conflict to degenerate.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
*Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?

PRAYER
Lord I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
CONFLICT HAS THE TENDENCY TO DEGENERATE IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE DETERMINATION TO QUENCH THE FIRE IGNITED. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

As noted yesterday, marital conflicts can degenerate from bedroom level to public level when it will become apparent to most people that something has gone wrong. It may also grow from simple one to one that is so complex, depending on how the conflict is managed. Today, we shall continue with the negative management techniques that make marital conflicts to degenerate.

Uncontrolled anger.
One man caught his wife and a man in his home committing adultery but as he was in a state of confusion, the two of them escaped. In a rage of anger, he took a cutlass and murdered the two sons that the woman had in a previous marriage. On realizing what he had done, he took a container of petrol, wet and set himself ablaze and died in the process.
In another situation, a woman whose husband was about marrying another woman watched the husband enter his room from the bathroom, locked the door, poured fuel into and set the room ablaze. The husband did not survive it.
In the two situations above, despite the seriousness of the matter, uncontrolled anger only complicated matters. In the first instance, is it worth it to take lives because of any matter at all? He lost his life and his eternity. In the second case, the woman ended up behind the bars and will probably be sentenced to life imprisonment. Now, is it really worth it?
Someone defined anger as temporary madness and I agree completely with that definition. When you are angry and you act based on that anger, there may be no difference between what you will do and what a mad man will do. Imagine that you are taking your bath and a mad man took your clothes while washing your face. You opened your eyes only to see the mad man going away with your clothes, what will you do? An option will be for you to run after the mad man and recover your clothes but can you imagine what people will say if they see a naked man or woman running after a mad man. Definitely they won’t see any difference between the naked soapy person and the real mad man.
One thing that happens when you are angry is that you will be thinking that if you do not do something immediately, people will think you are a fool. Try to imagine what would have happened if in the two cases above they paused for some time and probably prayed before taking a decision.
Uncontrolled anger will never resolve a conflict but rather make it to grow worse.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: (‭Eph.4:26)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

QUOTABLE QUOTE
UNCONTROLLED ANGER CAN DESTROY IN FIVE MINUTES WHAT YOU USED FIVE DECADES TO BUILD. – Dr Mike Oluniyi p

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. (1Pet.3:8-9)

There are levels of conflict; some are still at the bedroom level but if they are not properly managed, it can move from bedroom to a bigger one and the effect can move from ordinary resentment to real crisis. Some of those factors that serve as catalysts for conflicts to degenerate are:

Selfishness.
For many of us in marriage, we don’t really put ourselves in the shoes of our spouse. When there is conflict and you selfishly hold on to your position, the conflict is likely to degenerate further. In a healthy relationship, neither of the spouse should selfishly hold on to a position. You must be humble enough to see things from each other’s point of view because it is only then that you can have proper perspective without trying to impose your own selfish position. Funny enough, there are a lot of times when you will discover later that your own point of view was really wrong!

Lack of communication.
When there is conflict between you and your spouse and you feel that the best thing you can do is to refrain from communicating with your spouse, you may be creating room for the conflict to degenerate. Instead of refraining from communication, make efforts to be in talking terms. Even when it is a matter that you may not be able to ask questions immediately, with the passage of time your spouse is likely to open up. When there is lack of communication, the two parties bottle it up and start reading meanings into what the other is doing. In such a situation, you are likely to misinterpret the intention of each other, thereby giving room for the conflict to degenerate further.

Retaliation.
A woman in her mid-forties discovered that her husband was having an affair with her childhood friend. The discovery was so painful to her that she decided that she would retaliate. Prior to that time, their landlord had been making passes at her and so she decided that if her husband was having affair with her friend she could also have with the landlord so that he would know how painful it is. At the end of the day, the husband discovered and that was how the marriage broke down completely. Eventually the man did not marry the other woman neither did the landlord marry the retaliating woman. The Bible says:
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (‭Rom.12‬:‭19‬)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

In marriage, you don’t revenge because what is at stake is beyond the two of you. If there is need for revenge, God can do it better than you. Revenge often leads to worsening of the conflict.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR CONFLICT TO DEGENERATE, IT IS LIKE ALLOWING A FIRE THAT CAN ENGULF YOUR HOME TO THRIVE WITHOUT CONTROLLING IT. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi