Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. (1Pet.3:8-9)

There are levels of conflict; some are still at the bedroom level but if they are not properly managed, it can move from bedroom to a bigger one and the effect can move from ordinary resentment to real crisis. Some of those factors that serve as catalysts for conflicts to degenerate are:

Selfishness.
For many of us in marriage, we don’t really put ourselves in the shoes of our spouse. When there is conflict and you selfishly hold on to your position, the conflict is likely to degenerate further. In a healthy relationship, neither of the spouse should selfishly hold on to a position. You must be humble enough to see things from each other’s point of view because it is only then that you can have proper perspective without trying to impose your own selfish position. Funny enough, there are a lot of times when you will discover later that your own point of view was really wrong!

Lack of communication.
When there is conflict between you and your spouse and you feel that the best thing you can do is to refrain from communicating with your spouse, you may be creating room for the conflict to degenerate. Instead of refraining from communication, make efforts to be in talking terms. Even when it is a matter that you may not be able to ask questions immediately, with the passage of time your spouse is likely to open up. When there is lack of communication, the two parties bottle it up and start reading meanings into what the other is doing. In such a situation, you are likely to misinterpret the intention of each other, thereby giving room for the conflict to degenerate further.

Retaliation.
A woman in her mid-forties discovered that her husband was having an affair with her childhood friend. The discovery was so painful to her that she decided that she would retaliate. Prior to that time, their landlord had been making passes at her and so she decided that if her husband was having affair with her friend she could also have with the landlord so that he would know how painful it is. At the end of the day, the husband discovered and that was how the marriage broke down completely. Eventually the man did not marry the other woman neither did the landlord marry the retaliating woman. The Bible says:
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (‭Rom.12‬:‭19‬)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

In marriage, you don’t revenge because what is at stake is beyond the two of you. If there is need for revenge, God can do it better than you. Revenge often leads to worsening of the conflict.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR CONFLICT TO DEGENERATE, IT IS LIKE ALLOWING A FIRE THAT CAN ENGULF YOUR HOME TO THRIVE WITHOUT CONTROLLING IT. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard,
even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;
As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion:
for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore. (Ps.133:1-3)

Conflict is inevitable in marriage because we came from different backgrounds and have different experiences. We also had different goals and aspirations in life before marriage. There is no couple that is immune from conflict. When you see poor couples quarreling, you may be tempted to feel that lack of money is the main case of marital conflicts until you see the supper rich couples fight over how to spend their money. If you also see couples fresh from honeymoon fighting, you may be tempted to conclude that marital conflicts mainly occur among young couples but I am sure you would have also seen couples who separate in their old age. Marital conflict is therefore no respecter of the status, age, or life circumstances.

Management of conflict between husband and wife refers to how you handle your reactions to your spouse during conflict. The major determinant of how far or how complex a conflict becomes is often all about how you manage such conflicts. How you manage a conflict goes a long way to determine whether the conflict will be resolved early or grow to become something really unmanageable.

As from tomorrow, we shall be looking more deeply at levels of marital conflict, marital conflict management, effects of marital conflict and various acts and lifestyles that usually generate conflict at home.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* Looking back at your years in marriage, what have been the most common sources of conflict?
* What are some of the lessons you have learnt about the past conflicts in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, teach me the wisdom that will make me to dwell together in unity with my spouse in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE; IT IS NOT TO SEPARATE US BUT TO MATURE US. – Dr Mike Oluniyi

Main text: Eph.4:31&32

Memory:
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.(Eph.4:32)

If you desire a healthy home, there are certain traits you should ensure that you never cultivate in your relationship. If such traits are in you, they will
serve as obstacles to forgiveness. Some of these are discussed below.
Pride.
The presence of pride in your life may make it difficult for you to forgive your spouse. Pride makes you to either have an exaggerated view of yourself or an underestimated view of your spouse and that generally leads to several problems that may serve as roadblocks to
forgiveness. One of the major problems caused by pride is inability to
apologize. Your acknowledgement of fault and the ability to apologize
to your spouse go a long way towards opening the way for
forgiveness.
External Advice.
There are always many unsolicited counselors who often serve as roadblocks to forgiveness in the home. Under normal circumstances, most problems can be sorted out between spouses. You and your spouse understand the situation and circumstances surrounding most
things happening in your home more than anyone, including
members of your extended family. A lot of homes have been shipwrecked because of wrong counsel from outsiders who appeared
to be sympathizing with them. God’s plan for couples is that any other person, is an outsider.(Matt.19:5)
Often, you may become so
rigid on issues because of the external counsels you have received.
Rigidity makes it difficult to shift ground and reach a compromise
when the need arises.
Lack of Communication.
Once communication breaks down in the home, any small problem
becomes a great one. Some of the measures that improve
communication in the home include doing things in common, sleeping on the same bed, eating and bathing together and having common
hobbies that will make you to be dependent on each other. Once you are dependent on each other, you will discover that you will not be able to keep malice or do without each other for a considerable length
of time.

Lack of depth in the Word of God.
It may be a great obstacle to forgiveness if you lack depth in the word of God or you deliberately disobey the truth you already know. If you
are a child of God and you study the life of Jesus, you should not really find it difficult to forgive your spouse or anyone else when offended. (Lk.23:24;Rom.5:8)

The life of Jesus was a perfect example for us on the subject of forgiveness. When you lack the knowledge of his perspectives on it or you find it difficult to practice it, you may not forgive.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* What are the greatest obstacles to forgiveness in between you and your spouse?
* How may you remove those obstacles?

PRAYER
My father and my God, I receive grace to remove every obstacle that may be acting as barrier against forgiveness in my relationship with my spouse in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
PRIDE MAKES YOU TO HAVE EITHER AN EXAGGERATED VIEW OF YOURSELF OR AN UNDERESTIMATED VIEW OF YOUR SPOUSE LEADING TO SEVERAL PROBLEMS THAT MAY SERVE AS ROADBLOCKS TO FORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Main Text. Prov. 4:7-9
Memory:
Wisdom is the principal thing;
Therefore get wisdom.
And in all your getting, get understanding.(Prov.4:7)

Your spouse is the most significant person in your life. Your relationship with him or her is the most significant relationship that you will ever be involved in. Any problem with the relationship is bound to have a negative impact on your life, his or her own life, your children and the society at large. Consequently, it is not a relationship to be treated lightly. Since it is not possible for you not to offend each other, it is good for you to know some of the steps that can be taken to facilitate forgiveness.

Avoid Instant Reaction.
Time heals all wounds. If you allow some time to lapse before your reaction, what initially appeared to be a major problem might
have reduced to a level you will find it easier to forgive.
Avoid Third Parties.
As much as possible, the matter should be between the two of
you. The severity of the pain which an offense inflicts
on your memory mellows down with time. Over time, serious offences may actually
start getting smaller and smaller, but if others are involved, it remains big or even often becomes bigger. A lot of decisions that will be taken in the home are decisions that have to be taken personally under God’s guidance because however knowledgeable an outsider is about your home, he or she does not
know the whole story.

Seek An Explanation.
Hearing out your spouse’s own view goes a long way to resolving issues because you might have been looking at the matter from different angles.
Seek To Understand.
You should really listen to your spouse with a view to understanding
the factors behind what he or she has done. Try to understand his
or her own point of view.
Accept Apologies.
If your spouse offers apology, you should be ready to accept it, no
matter how grievous the offence may appear to be. Though you may feel
better in the short run holding grudges, forgiveness heals the soul and keeps your home firmly where God, the author of marriage, wants it
to be.
Accept Your Own Fault.
You are likely to discover if you are sincere, that you
are not really perfect. If in any way there is a fault on your side and you readily acknowledge it, you may find it easier to forgive the fault of your spouse.

Forgive Completely.
We must learn to sincerely forgive, and when we do, it should be total.
There should be no reference to the issue again.
Forgive In Advance.
It is possible to make up your mind that whatever your
spouse does in the future to offend you, you will forgive. If you have done this, it becomes easy to actualize the commitment when the
offense comes.

If your spouse is the most important person in your life, and there is no way to avoid offenses in your relationship, wisdom demands that you take necessary steps before matters get out of hand.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* How easy is it for you to apologize when you err?
* Can you really apologize when you are right?
* Is there anybody whom you must inform when your spouse has offended you? What are the problems which may arise if a third party is involved?

PRAYER
May I never be tired of making the first move towards forgiveness whenever there is offense in my home in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
DON’T WAIT FOR YOUR SPOUSE TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP, BE READY TO FORGIVE! – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Main Text. Ephesians 4:20-27
Memory:
“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.(Eph.4:26-27)

There are several implications of unforgiveness in marriage. Some are mild, making the home less blissful than expected of a godly marriage.
Some other implications are so deadly that they can simply kill the marriage. These implications include:
Lack of Joy.
When you harbor resentment as a result of unforgiveness, joy
is far from you. In such situation, you are easily irritated, and what you would hardly see as an offense suddenly becomes a major issue.
Low Productivity.
Your level of productivity either in secular or spiritual matters reduces drastically while you harbor unforgiveness. Your heart does extra work leading to premature tiredness which affects the amount of work you are able to do.
Your Heart Becomes the Devil’s Workshop.
When you fail to forgive, hatred sets in, since you are not likely to nurture good thoughts towards someone you have not forgiven. One major problem concerning the whole scenario is that the evil thought you have towards your unforgiven spouse is even a sin. Don’t forget that no sinner has a portion in the kingdom of God.
Retaliation.
When you fail to forgive, you are likely to be thinking on how to retaliate in a way that will even the score or even tilt the balance in a devastating manner. The consequence is that you will end up
complicating the matter. (Rom.12:19)
Health Problems.
There’s no how you can successfully harbor unforgiveness without
impairing your health. The work that your heart does in one hour may be equivalent to what it would have done in one day under normal circumstances. This invariably leads to health complications. Many women have become psychiatric patients as a result of unforgiveness while many men have become alcoholics. Shortened life and ruined
destinies usually follow impaired health.
Separation/ Divorce.
Most of the conflicts that led to separation or divorce would not have ended that way if the spouses concerned had cultivated the spirit of forgiveness. When there is a conflict, the problem will initially appear so big. If we don’t caution our reactions, however big the problem may appear, and make up our mind that our marriage is meant to last for a lifetime, the problem may gradually deteriorate into a divorce. Apart from physical divorce, unforgiveness breeds spiritual, emotional and social divorce.
Unanswered Prayers.
As a couple, you have a joint-account with God. Your prayers are speedily attended to when you agree together as a couple. When there is a crisis at home and you pray to God, you are like someone going to the bank to withdraw from a joint account without the
signature of his or her joint signatory. (Mal.2:10-13).
Unanswered prayers, frustration and low productivity in spiritual matters which may eventually lead to eternal damnation are some of the major consequences of inability to forgive your spouse. Do not let the sun go down on your anger as our scripture for today counsels, forgive your spouse.
Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* What is that offense that you will not be able to forgive your spouse?
* How will you feel if you offend your spouse and he / she refuses to forgive?

PRAYER
Father, I receive the grace to forgive my spouse in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
THE IMPLICATIONS OF UNFORGIVENESS ARE SO DEADLY THAT THEY CAN KILL ANY MARRIAGE.