As noted yesterday, marital conflicts can degenerate from bedroom level to public level when it will become apparent to most people that something has gone wrong. It may also grow from simple one to one that is so complex, depending on how the conflict is managed. Today, we shall continue with the negative management techniques that make marital conflicts to degenerate.

Uncontrolled anger.
One man caught his wife and a man in his home committing adultery but as he was in a state of confusion, the two of them escaped. In a rage of anger, he took a cutlass and murdered the two sons that the woman had in a previous marriage. On realizing what he had done, he took a container of petrol, wet and set himself ablaze and died in the process.
In another situation, a woman whose husband was about marrying another woman watched the husband enter his room from the bathroom, locked the door, poured fuel into and set the room ablaze. The husband did not survive it.
In the two situations above, despite the seriousness of the matter, uncontrolled anger only complicated matters. In the first instance, is it worth it to take lives because of any matter at all? He lost his life and his eternity. In the second case, the woman ended up behind the bars and will probably be sentenced to life imprisonment. Now, is it really worth it?
Someone defined anger as temporary madness and I agree completely with that definition. When you are angry and you act based on that anger, there may be no difference between what you will do and what a mad man will do. Imagine that you are taking your bath and a mad man took your clothes while washing your face. You opened your eyes only to see the mad man going away with your clothes, what will you do? An option will be for you to run after the mad man and recover your clothes but can you imagine what people will say if they see a naked man or woman running after a mad man. Definitely they won’t see any difference between the naked soapy person and the real mad man.
One thing that happens when you are angry is that you will be thinking that if you do not do something immediately, people will think you are a fool. Try to imagine what would have happened if in the two cases above they paused for some time and probably prayed before taking a decision.
Uncontrolled anger will never resolve a conflict but rather make it to grow worse.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: (‭Eph.4:26)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

QUOTABLE QUOTE
UNCONTROLLED ANGER CAN DESTROY IN FIVE MINUTES WHAT YOU USED FIVE DECADES TO BUILD. – Dr Mike Oluniyi p

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. (1Pet.3:8-9)

There are levels of conflict; some are still at the bedroom level but if they are not properly managed, it can move from bedroom to a bigger one and the effect can move from ordinary resentment to real crisis. Some of those factors that serve as catalysts for conflicts to degenerate are:

Selfishness.
For many of us in marriage, we don’t really put ourselves in the shoes of our spouse. When there is conflict and you selfishly hold on to your position, the conflict is likely to degenerate further. In a healthy relationship, neither of the spouse should selfishly hold on to a position. You must be humble enough to see things from each other’s point of view because it is only then that you can have proper perspective without trying to impose your own selfish position. Funny enough, there are a lot of times when you will discover later that your own point of view was really wrong!

Lack of communication.
When there is conflict between you and your spouse and you feel that the best thing you can do is to refrain from communicating with your spouse, you may be creating room for the conflict to degenerate. Instead of refraining from communication, make efforts to be in talking terms. Even when it is a matter that you may not be able to ask questions immediately, with the passage of time your spouse is likely to open up. When there is lack of communication, the two parties bottle it up and start reading meanings into what the other is doing. In such a situation, you are likely to misinterpret the intention of each other, thereby giving room for the conflict to degenerate further.

Retaliation.
A woman in her mid-forties discovered that her husband was having an affair with her childhood friend. The discovery was so painful to her that she decided that she would retaliate. Prior to that time, their landlord had been making passes at her and so she decided that if her husband was having affair with her friend she could also have with the landlord so that he would know how painful it is. At the end of the day, the husband discovered and that was how the marriage broke down completely. Eventually the man did not marry the other woman neither did the landlord marry the retaliating woman. The Bible says:
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (‭Rom.12‬:‭19‬)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

In marriage, you don’t revenge because what is at stake is beyond the two of you. If there is need for revenge, God can do it better than you. Revenge often leads to worsening of the conflict.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
Have you identified the factor that makes conflict to degenerate from one level to the other in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, I receive grace to be wise to prevent conflicts from degenerating in my home.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR CONFLICT TO DEGENERATE, IT IS LIKE ALLOWING A FIRE THAT CAN ENGULF YOUR HOME TO THRIVE WITHOUT CONTROLLING IT. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard,
even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;
As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion:
for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore. (Ps.133:1-3)

Conflict is inevitable in marriage because we came from different backgrounds and have different experiences. We also had different goals and aspirations in life before marriage. There is no couple that is immune from conflict. When you see poor couples quarreling, you may be tempted to feel that lack of money is the main case of marital conflicts until you see the supper rich couples fight over how to spend their money. If you also see couples fresh from honeymoon fighting, you may be tempted to conclude that marital conflicts mainly occur among young couples but I am sure you would have also seen couples who separate in their old age. Marital conflict is therefore no respecter of the status, age, or life circumstances.

Management of conflict between husband and wife refers to how you handle your reactions to your spouse during conflict. The major determinant of how far or how complex a conflict becomes is often all about how you manage such conflicts. How you manage a conflict goes a long way to determine whether the conflict will be resolved early or grow to become something really unmanageable.

As from tomorrow, we shall be looking more deeply at levels of marital conflict, marital conflict management, effects of marital conflict and various acts and lifestyles that usually generate conflict at home.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* Looking back at your years in marriage, what have been the most common sources of conflict?
* What are some of the lessons you have learnt about the past conflicts in your home?

PRAYER
Lord, teach me the wisdom that will make me to dwell together in unity with my spouse in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE; IT IS NOT TO SEPARATE US BUT TO MATURE US. – Dr Mike Oluniyi

Main text: Eph.4:31&32

Memory:
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.(Eph.4:32)

If you desire a healthy home, there are certain traits you should ensure that you never cultivate in your relationship. If such traits are in you, they will
serve as obstacles to forgiveness. Some of these are discussed below.
Pride.
The presence of pride in your life may make it difficult for you to forgive your spouse. Pride makes you to either have an exaggerated view of yourself or an underestimated view of your spouse and that generally leads to several problems that may serve as roadblocks to
forgiveness. One of the major problems caused by pride is inability to
apologize. Your acknowledgement of fault and the ability to apologize
to your spouse go a long way towards opening the way for
forgiveness.
External Advice.
There are always many unsolicited counselors who often serve as roadblocks to forgiveness in the home. Under normal circumstances, most problems can be sorted out between spouses. You and your spouse understand the situation and circumstances surrounding most
things happening in your home more than anyone, including
members of your extended family. A lot of homes have been shipwrecked because of wrong counsel from outsiders who appeared
to be sympathizing with them. God’s plan for couples is that any other person, is an outsider.(Matt.19:5)
Often, you may become so
rigid on issues because of the external counsels you have received.
Rigidity makes it difficult to shift ground and reach a compromise
when the need arises.
Lack of Communication.
Once communication breaks down in the home, any small problem
becomes a great one. Some of the measures that improve
communication in the home include doing things in common, sleeping on the same bed, eating and bathing together and having common
hobbies that will make you to be dependent on each other. Once you are dependent on each other, you will discover that you will not be able to keep malice or do without each other for a considerable length
of time.

Lack of depth in the Word of God.
It may be a great obstacle to forgiveness if you lack depth in the word of God or you deliberately disobey the truth you already know. If you
are a child of God and you study the life of Jesus, you should not really find it difficult to forgive your spouse or anyone else when offended. (Lk.23:24;Rom.5:8)

The life of Jesus was a perfect example for us on the subject of forgiveness. When you lack the knowledge of his perspectives on it or you find it difficult to practice it, you may not forgive.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* What are the greatest obstacles to forgiveness in between you and your spouse?
* How may you remove those obstacles?

PRAYER
My father and my God, I receive grace to remove every obstacle that may be acting as barrier against forgiveness in my relationship with my spouse in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
PRIDE MAKES YOU TO HAVE EITHER AN EXAGGERATED VIEW OF YOURSELF OR AN UNDERESTIMATED VIEW OF YOUR SPOUSE LEADING TO SEVERAL PROBLEMS THAT MAY SERVE AS ROADBLOCKS TO FORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE. – Dr. Mike Oluniyi

Main Text. Prov. 4:7-9
Memory:
Wisdom is the principal thing;
Therefore get wisdom.
And in all your getting, get understanding.(Prov.4:7)

Your spouse is the most significant person in your life. Your relationship with him or her is the most significant relationship that you will ever be involved in. Any problem with the relationship is bound to have a negative impact on your life, his or her own life, your children and the society at large. Consequently, it is not a relationship to be treated lightly. Since it is not possible for you not to offend each other, it is good for you to know some of the steps that can be taken to facilitate forgiveness.

Avoid Instant Reaction.
Time heals all wounds. If you allow some time to lapse before your reaction, what initially appeared to be a major problem might
have reduced to a level you will find it easier to forgive.
Avoid Third Parties.
As much as possible, the matter should be between the two of
you. The severity of the pain which an offense inflicts
on your memory mellows down with time. Over time, serious offences may actually
start getting smaller and smaller, but if others are involved, it remains big or even often becomes bigger. A lot of decisions that will be taken in the home are decisions that have to be taken personally under God’s guidance because however knowledgeable an outsider is about your home, he or she does not
know the whole story.

Seek An Explanation.
Hearing out your spouse’s own view goes a long way to resolving issues because you might have been looking at the matter from different angles.
Seek To Understand.
You should really listen to your spouse with a view to understanding
the factors behind what he or she has done. Try to understand his
or her own point of view.
Accept Apologies.
If your spouse offers apology, you should be ready to accept it, no
matter how grievous the offence may appear to be. Though you may feel
better in the short run holding grudges, forgiveness heals the soul and keeps your home firmly where God, the author of marriage, wants it
to be.
Accept Your Own Fault.
You are likely to discover if you are sincere, that you
are not really perfect. If in any way there is a fault on your side and you readily acknowledge it, you may find it easier to forgive the fault of your spouse.

Forgive Completely.
We must learn to sincerely forgive, and when we do, it should be total.
There should be no reference to the issue again.
Forgive In Advance.
It is possible to make up your mind that whatever your
spouse does in the future to offend you, you will forgive. If you have done this, it becomes easy to actualize the commitment when the
offense comes.

If your spouse is the most important person in your life, and there is no way to avoid offenses in your relationship, wisdom demands that you take necessary steps before matters get out of hand.

Discussion Points With Your Spouse
* How easy is it for you to apologize when you err?
* Can you really apologize when you are right?
* Is there anybody whom you must inform when your spouse has offended you? What are the problems which may arise if a third party is involved?

PRAYER
May I never be tired of making the first move towards forgiveness whenever there is offense in my home in Jesus’ name.

QUOTABLE QUOTE
DON’T WAIT FOR YOUR SPOUSE TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP, BE READY TO FORGIVE! – Dr. Mike Oluniyi